Are we Having a Second Child?
Oh man. I have a lot to say on the topic of having children – first, second, or otherwise. Since the day our little guy was born 5 years ago, my husband and I have been asked if we’re having a second child quite a lot…
My husband and I were together for 6 years before we got married (and I hated wedding planning). Then it was another 3 years before we decided it was time to have a baby. We aren’t fast-paced movers, obviously.
I had my IUD removed 9 months later (by the way – I’m HUGE fan of IUDs – I only hear negative things and I’ve loved all 3 of the ones I’ve had) and we started trying…
Full disclosure, I only had one cycle before I got pregnant. I remember that moment that first month when I realized I wasn’t pregnant yet. It was a bummer – I don’t mean that light-heartedly but because we hadn’t been trying long, the full heaviness of a “failure” feeling wasn’t all that strong…
And it was then and there that I realized how difficult it is when you’re trying to have children and it isn’t “working.” Since then, I’ve treated asking people about having children – first, second, or otherwise – as one of the most personal questions there is (along with breastfeeding – read my breastfeeding struggle here).
Are We Having a Second Child?
Ok. So. are we having a second child? It’s interesting because I started asking myself this when Conrad was just a few weeks old. I was exhausted and trying to figure out why they let us out of the hospital with a new baby (all while forgetting to give us the parenting handbook!)…and I was concerning myself with why a second child seemed so out of the question.
It took me a week or so to realize that this was a hard time and we (my husband and I) never planned to have a second child really soon.
I hear a lot of parents planning to have kids close together – for themselves or for their kids. And while that’s fine for them, that wasn’t something in which we were interested.
Time passed, the pandemic came and went (with a lot of depression and struggle on my part), and we still hadn’t decided about more children (we didn’t really even talk about it). But I still thought about it – self-inflicted guilt and judgement is SUCH a real thing with modern parenting.
So where does that leave us? We’re very undecided. We’re not “one and done.” We clearly aren’t set on a number of kids in a set amount of time. I’ve heard a lot of “but your son would benefit from siblings.” As the youngest of a combined six, I really do understand the joy (and frustrations) of siblings and family.
We also know, however, that having another child for our kid if we aren’t ready (or wanting them), won’t be the best thing for him – because we won’t be in the right place. So much about kids forgets that the parents are humans too – something I tell my friends again and again. We have to remember the humans who are the parents too – and we want to enjoy our life together (my husband and I as well as the three of us)!
I also think about more than just “having a second child.” Our 1920s bungalow (see the before/after photos) has two bedrooms. Even with the addition of our backyard ADU, becoming a family of 4 would inevitably bring us to look at other homes. I don’t think this is our forever house, but I really do love our home and our neighbors – am I ready to move?And what does having another child mean for us financially? There are just a lot of questions beyond solely having another child.
I really struggled becoming a mother. I think we had the easiest-going baby too, but babies are hard. Or rather, parenting is hard. Or, it was hard for me at least.
I look around at friends and wonder why it seemed so much more difficult for me. I’ll put the caveat here, that I know we all struggle, but I had some digging to do for myself.
And I think I’ve recently realized that the first year after we had a kid, our life wasn’t settled. We moved 500 miles (see our move to Sacramento here) and while I wouldn’t change that for the world, it was nevertheless new and resettling.
We bought our first house. My husband started a new job. And then we got hit with the pandemic – all while our new son was living his little life and we were figuring out how to be parents.
I’m starting to think that if/when we have another kid, our more settled place in life will be hugely invaluable to our happiness.
I also know that we’re in a place where if we try to get pregnant again and it doesn’t work, we will be perfectly happy as a family of three!
So. We’re undecided, firmly undecided, on if we’re having a second child or not – a decision that isn’t as popular (or isn’t as highly discussed) as I would’ve guessed.
